Last night was the annual Dine out for Life, an excuse to eat out and have the participating restaurant donate a portion of its revenues to HIV/AIDS research and care. Of course, my team at work went. They've been immersed in this for about 15 years and are hip to all these events and never fail to follow through.
We went to Cascade (Main/10) and there were about 25 of us. I brought Hadley and Alicia stayed home to relax. It's not often Hadley gets to go to a pub but she was in top form. Lots of cuddles and coos from everyone. And she was pretty patient with the food, too, which didn't come until nearly an hour after we got there.
Yummy polenta fries were her favourite, I think, but she also enjoyed maple-glazed beets.
People always comment on how 'good' or 'even-tempered' Hadley is. I wonder if those are such admirable traits? Not to say that I don't think Hadley is the awesomest, but I'm curious why people seek out and compliment mild manners in a child. Yes, it makes life easier for the parents, but I don't believe that's what raising a kid is all about. I confess I get a little thrill every time Hadley is a brat and throws a tantrum or punches someone.
The study I did on inhibition grappled a little bit with this aspect of people's judgment of children's behaviour.
ReplyDeleteKids were told not to touch a gift while the experimenter left the room. Some waited quietly; others waited by playing, making noises, etc. But both quiet and noisy kids were able to cooperate.
Yet if these kids were in school, and told to wait, would the quiet and noisy kids be treated the same by their teachers? I doubt it.
The overvaluation of quiet is a problem because surely there are times were being playful is good. A kid left alone in a room of toys who doesn't play with the toys is a sad sight.
All that said, I think Hadley has a mischievous streak.
I agree that quiet is overvalued, but would like to address the school situation.
ReplyDeleteIf play is the activity, quiet and noisy matter not unless the quiet is withdrawn or the noisy is out-of-control (breaking, interfering, hurting).
On the other hand, if a pencil and paper task is the expectation, then noisy is a disruption to others' and one's own learning. Frequent outbursts can suggest a variety of underlying issues (nothing new to you here) or may simply be pent up energy from too many indoor recesses and not enough running around time.
The quiet child is watched closely in school - at least in mine. Quiet as in respectful? Studious? Tuned out? Shy? Fearful? Victimized? Are there learning issues? Or social ones? Is she hungry? Was dad drunk and hitting on mom again last night? Did they have to change shelters again? And on and on....
If Hadley was "well-behaved" at this event, perhaps she was taking in the atmosphere. Receptive learning at its finest. Better than if she could not appreciate the company of adults or be interested in a variety of experiences.
Why did people compliment her behaviour? Perhaps they were indirectly complimenting your parenting skills. Not that you encourage a flaccid personality, but that you expose your child to different stimuli and treat her with respect. This is what she internalizes and learns to project back into the world.
Next time, just say thanks, knowing that a good punch will inevitably be right around the corner.