Breastfeeding: a father's perspective

In response to http://www.phdinparenting.com/2010/03/01/a-different-kind-of-baby-led-weaning/

There is a lot of talk about attachment parenting with what seems to me little common ground other than nurturing the parent-child bond. Within the small community of people I know and love, many preach attachment parenting. Alicia and I are among them. But we all seem to do it differently. Sometimes it depends on what books you read, what course you've attended, who your friends are, etc. Most often, it seems, the parenting decisions you make are most influenced by the needs of your individual family.

For example, single parents may have to make some sacrifices in order to stay afloat, or the addition of a second child can change the dynamic considerably. I don't claim to be the expert on attachment theory, either.

One thing that has been eating away at me for, well, years is breastfeeding. Of course I am a loud advocate for breastfeeding, and for doing it as long as possible. But the question is, what does "as long as possible" mean? Attachment pundits argue for letting the child decide when to stop, rather than weaning being imposed upon them. And, in theory, I agree with this. But in practice I find it way more challenging. And they're not even my breasts!

Among our peers, our child has been breastfeeding the longest - at 3.5 years. I know this is no world record and some kids will go for much longer. In most cases, the moms made a decision to wean their children despite being adherents to attachment parenting. It just didn't work for their lifestyle/sanity anymore. Sometimes the children chose on their own to stop. While most of these kids are now sleeping independently, giving the parents (read:mother) more liberty and a better sleep schedule, this isn't always the case. Every child is different, and some may need the bedtime cuddling well past the age of 5 or 6 or even 10.

Our daughter loves breastfeeding. She talks about it all the time. If she could, she would do it all day and all night, as long as my wife is around. When my wife is absent, Hadley doesn't seem to miss breastfeeding at all. She'll sleep through the night and doesn't show any insecurity, as far as I can tell. We have tried having numerous conversations about stopping breastfeeding and she agrees to the notion but can't stop herself when the urge comes on. In addiction terms, she's in the pre-contemplative stage.

Now, it's unfair to call breastfeeding an addiction, just as it's unfair for the father (me) to try and place limits on the mother-child bond. So I find myself in a tricky position. I feel like it's nearing the time for breastfeeding to end. My reasons are these: it wrecks my wife's sleep, it saps my wife's health and it sticks a wedge between wife in daughter such that they can't be intimate without breastfeeding. But these are all my reasons about my wife. See where this is going? The issue is prickly and I don't want to come off as judgmental.

Let me be clear: I couldn't care less about social norms and what others think about Hadley breastfeeding at 3. If there no other disadvantages, I wouldn't even go on about it. But the fact it, she is making no signs of wanting to slow down. If we leave it up to her to stop breastfeeding, what if she wants to wait until she is 7? Is that attachment parenting? At what point are we allowed to impose our own agenda?

It seems to me that parents impose their own agendas on other issues ranging from food to clothes to daycare choices to not beating up the cat. So why not breastfeeding? Why is this sacred territory? Again, I am not a mother and I don't claim full knowledge of the experience. But I think mothers ought to be able to place reasonable limits on their relationship with the child, without fear of traumatizing the kid for life.

Nausea

I just got back from a 5-day trip to Toronto to attend this summit. It's been 5 or so years since I was last there, long before Alicia and Hadley. Long before I missed anyone this much.
It's the greatest length of time I've ever spent away from my own daughter.
I had thought I could do it and that I would have more than enough to occupy me while gone. Alicia finds it difficult to be away from Hadley for any period but up to now I hadn't missed her so much that my stomach hurt. This time changed everything.
I don't mean to be melodramatic.
OK, so maybe I do.
I was pretty much attacked throughout my trip with these bouts of emotional pain, the kind that reminded me of when I was 18 and couldn't bear to be away from a certain girl. What made it all the harder was that I kept being exposed to other children: at the conference, at Shalini's house, and just random kids on the subway.
Do you know this feeling? I just wanted to reach out and cuddle these random toddlers. I missed, at a deep and visceral level, the physical bond I have with my daughter. I ached. I was miserable.
It didn't help that I was reading this book on attachment parenting the whole time. In it, the authors stress the unique link between parents and children, that doesn't really exist anywhere else in life. Tell me about it, I thought.
Next time, I'm bringing the family with me.

Calling all dads

I've been thinking about writing a book for a few months now. The subject would, of course, be about parenting form a father's perspective. What I have to ask myself is: aren't there enough Dad books out there? Would I just be looking for a quick buck like Paul Reiser?
Thing is, as I may have written long ago, there really isn't a whole lot available for the father (or other parent) who chooses Attachment-style parenting, who considers himself a feminist and who wants to explore views alternative to the standard paradigm.
I'll give you an example. Most of my dad friends share the notion that co-sleeping is a positive way to handle bedtime in the family. We don't condone cribs but have found co-sleeping satisfactory to our beliefs in the value of the mother-child relationship.
Within the bounds of books on motherhood, the debate is vigorous and despite the prevailing attitude form the medical system that co-sleeping is dangerous, the matter is far from settled. Moms argue from the gut and I think we ought to listen. Books are published all the time that support both sides of the argument but traditional (by which I mean, 1000-yr old) methods are becoming more and more accepted as doctrine, thankfully.
Now look at the debate amongst fathers. It's not enough that fathers and mothers must hold their discussions separately - as if we are not the same family raising the same child - but fathers simply don't hold these discussions. Or rather, it sure seems that way when I do internet searches or go to the library. By contrast, in person we are very much committed to exploring parenting styles and want to join the fray. But if fathers aren't learning from books, and are perhaps cut off from their partners because of ages-old gender imbalance, who do they learn from? Peers and elders. And I have no doubt that both lean more towards 50s-style parenting, e.g. breastfeeding is not essential, co-sleeping will ruin the sex life, children must learn independence, etc.
I don't want to dismiss these views outright. Instead, I want to introduce an arena where fathers - and mothers and same-sex couples - can hash out the details and really learn about child-rearing philosophy. There are centuries of superstition and outdated models to discard and we need to start now.
So...send me your ideas, your opinions. Who wants to co-sleep in my book bed?