Breastfeeding: a father's perspective

In response to http://www.phdinparenting.com/2010/03/01/a-different-kind-of-baby-led-weaning/

There is a lot of talk about attachment parenting with what seems to me little common ground other than nurturing the parent-child bond. Within the small community of people I know and love, many preach attachment parenting. Alicia and I are among them. But we all seem to do it differently. Sometimes it depends on what books you read, what course you've attended, who your friends are, etc. Most often, it seems, the parenting decisions you make are most influenced by the needs of your individual family.

For example, single parents may have to make some sacrifices in order to stay afloat, or the addition of a second child can change the dynamic considerably. I don't claim to be the expert on attachment theory, either.

One thing that has been eating away at me for, well, years is breastfeeding. Of course I am a loud advocate for breastfeeding, and for doing it as long as possible. But the question is, what does "as long as possible" mean? Attachment pundits argue for letting the child decide when to stop, rather than weaning being imposed upon them. And, in theory, I agree with this. But in practice I find it way more challenging. And they're not even my breasts!

Among our peers, our child has been breastfeeding the longest - at 3.5 years. I know this is no world record and some kids will go for much longer. In most cases, the moms made a decision to wean their children despite being adherents to attachment parenting. It just didn't work for their lifestyle/sanity anymore. Sometimes the children chose on their own to stop. While most of these kids are now sleeping independently, giving the parents (read:mother) more liberty and a better sleep schedule, this isn't always the case. Every child is different, and some may need the bedtime cuddling well past the age of 5 or 6 or even 10.

Our daughter loves breastfeeding. She talks about it all the time. If she could, she would do it all day and all night, as long as my wife is around. When my wife is absent, Hadley doesn't seem to miss breastfeeding at all. She'll sleep through the night and doesn't show any insecurity, as far as I can tell. We have tried having numerous conversations about stopping breastfeeding and she agrees to the notion but can't stop herself when the urge comes on. In addiction terms, she's in the pre-contemplative stage.

Now, it's unfair to call breastfeeding an addiction, just as it's unfair for the father (me) to try and place limits on the mother-child bond. So I find myself in a tricky position. I feel like it's nearing the time for breastfeeding to end. My reasons are these: it wrecks my wife's sleep, it saps my wife's health and it sticks a wedge between wife in daughter such that they can't be intimate without breastfeeding. But these are all my reasons about my wife. See where this is going? The issue is prickly and I don't want to come off as judgmental.

Let me be clear: I couldn't care less about social norms and what others think about Hadley breastfeeding at 3. If there no other disadvantages, I wouldn't even go on about it. But the fact it, she is making no signs of wanting to slow down. If we leave it up to her to stop breastfeeding, what if she wants to wait until she is 7? Is that attachment parenting? At what point are we allowed to impose our own agenda?

It seems to me that parents impose their own agendas on other issues ranging from food to clothes to daycare choices to not beating up the cat. So why not breastfeeding? Why is this sacred territory? Again, I am not a mother and I don't claim full knowledge of the experience. But I think mothers ought to be able to place reasonable limits on their relationship with the child, without fear of traumatizing the kid for life.

Educational or just a pain in the ass?

Yesterday at work a colleague explained to us that his son, at 8 months, had finally taken the bottle. I was immediately drawn in; why is someone giving their 8-month old a bottle?, I wondered. So I asked him, realising immediately that my tone was subtley judgmental. Indeed it was and I regret it. His answer was that their son had been unwilling to drink formula but was now drinking milk, a relief to them. Aware that I was on dangerous, nosey ground, I pressed on: why were you giving him formula? Because he was slightly underweight.
Slightly underweight? I really wanted to pipe up. Breastmilk is all a baby needs! Underweight is a matter of opinion! Formula is just a sugary drink pushed on the medical system by a powerful pharmaceutical lobby! But I said none of those things and stuck to, Hadley was also underweight briefly and now look at her.
And here's where I start to doubt myself. Two days ago I posted my interest in writing a book. The response to that post (not here but on a link I uploaded to my Facebook page) was so varied and skeptical that I have to rethink my plans. Of course not everyone is interested in Attachment parenting. How to talk about my experience as a father without sounding prescriptive and condescending? Maybe I should research more books first.
No, Hadley was never given formula, though a nurse at the hospital tried to peddle it to us. It is a Health Canada policy and position that breastfeeding is THE way to feed infants, up to the age of 3 or more. Formula is not to be encouraged by any health care professional unless the child is severely undernourished. We were lucky; Hadley took to the breast pretty quickly and Alicia produced milk almost right away. Since then, to be sure, Hadley has never stopped wanting to nurse but all children choose to stop at some point. A friend, whose son is a could years older than Hadley, recently told me she was getting worried when he was nursing past his 3rd birthday. Will it ever end? Maybe he's the exception to the rule, she thought. But no, he one day stopped. Their relationship changed, of course, and this is a big part of it, too. Nursing can be exhausting, painful and inconvenient, but it a bond like no other. Mom and child are reluctant to dismiss that early on.
I couldn't just launch into this diatribe at work, though. He didn't seem interested in my opinion and advice. Yet something in me feels it's important to provide supportive education to new parents. I know I needed it and still do. I just wish I could do it without sounding like a jackass.