We are nearing the middle of our third year on the Sunshine Coast. It's our third house, I just got my third job since moving here and I'd like to say we're onto our third baby. OK, I'm drinking my third beer of the night instead.
I got laid off a little over a month ago and it's given me pause to reflect on what Hell we're doing here in the first place. Questions like 'should we move back to the city?', 'is this really the place for us?' and 'why is sushi so expensive in Gibsons?' are bugging me daily. I have luckily managed to secure a part-time job at St. Mary's Hospital in Sechelt and am now commuting to Vancouver another 3 days a week. This, too, has shaken me for reasons I'll explain.
Since moving here I have felt lonely and, by extension, lonely on behalf of Hadley. It's not that there aren't lots of people our respective ages here. And they're mostly completely wonderful to boot. Instead my issue is with our place in the scheme of things, or within the social network (not the online kind). And this is very hard to define.
Our family has been welcomed with open arms by so many incredible people. We have shared in birthday, holiday and other gatherings. I mean, we were even encouraged to move next door to some pretty awesome folks. Which we did. No regrets.
So what's my problem, anyway? As Alicia can attest to, I need to be needed. This is a deep insecurity but it defines me. And I am pretty sure Hadley is the same way but I am trying not make assumptions about her based on my own personality. 'Needed', to me, means being both essential and commonplace. A friend who is 'needed' is invited to hang out 5 nights a week because the comfort level is so high that any other situation would just be unusual. For adults at my age, getting this sense of being 'needed' occurs less and less. I have come to not require this of every relationship but I admit that I miss it. Still, it has to be there somewhere in my life outside of the close family: be it at work, with friends or in some other context. I have managed to find it in professional bodies like unions and associations where we share a common purpose. It's hard to explain and I know drives Alicia crazy because I am bound to these groups by many commitments. But without them I would not be 'needed' and that would be way, way worse.
Now Hadley is a different creature altogether by virtue of her age, her gender and her complex being that is utterly unlike any other human. However, she very clearly craves being 'needed' by her peers. Or rather, a better way of putting it is that she becomes very attached to certain people. These attachments tend to happen instantly and last over many years. Which is incredible considering she is only 5.
Alicia and I are generally all-too-happy to foster these attachments if possible. The fly in the ointment is other parents. When I don't get invited to hang out 5 nights a week, I suck it up. But Hadley doesn't. She pines and she is confused. She's perhaps, thankfully, too young to be hurt but she knows that someone is starkly missing from her day.
I struggle with Hadley not getting called to play more often. There, I said it. Is it her? Is it us? Are we too new to the Sunshine Coast? Are we annoying? Is is the very fact that we want so badly for Hadley to have deep friendships that puts people off? Once a week or once every two weeks is not often enough in the life of a five-year old. Didn't you have best friends at that age who you saw every day? Hadley deserves the same. What's especially hard is when she and another girl make it very clear that they want to hang out every day but that girl's parents don't reciprocate.
I sometimes wonder if it's better for Hadley to simply stop seeing friends like this because it is soooo hard on her when she's not with them every day. But that's not my role as a parent. I can't terminate friendships just because other parents are clueless. But what can I do? How can I support my kid?
The reason I mention getting a new job in the city is because of how I have been treated there. For nearly three years I have endured backstabbing, politicking, pettiness and derision at the mental health team in Sechelt. I have come to expect that from a workplace and forgot that it could be different. At my new job in Vancouver, everyone is warm and welcoming. I feel valued and I feel important. Most of all, I feel needed.
Which leads me to wonder, have I just been settling for less on the Sunshine Coast? Could life be different for Hadley if we moved? Would we find other parents to be more responsive to her attachments?
I think we're going to give it more time. Summertime is here and everything feels better in the sun.
I'll let you know.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Breastfeeding: a father's perspective
In response to http://www.phdinparenting.com/2010/03/01/a-different-kind-of-baby-led-weaning/
There is a lot of talk about attachment parenting with what seems to me little common ground other than nurturing the parent-child bond. Within the small community of people I know and love, many preach attachment parenting. Alicia and I are among them. But we all seem to do it differently. Sometimes it depends on what books you read, what course you've attended, who your friends are, etc. Most often, it seems, the parenting decisions you make are most influenced by the needs of your individual family.
For example, single parents may have to make some sacrifices in order to stay afloat, or the addition of a second child can change the dynamic considerably. I don't claim to be the expert on attachment theory, either.
One thing that has been eating away at me for, well, years is breastfeeding. Of course I am a loud advocate for breastfeeding, and for doing it as long as possible. But the question is, what does "as long as possible" mean? Attachment pundits argue for letting the child decide when to stop, rather than weaning being imposed upon them. And, in theory, I agree with this. But in practice I find it way more challenging. And they're not even my breasts!
Among our peers, our child has been breastfeeding the longest - at 3.5 years. I know this is no world record and some kids will go for much longer. In most cases, the moms made a decision to wean their children despite being adherents to attachment parenting. It just didn't work for their lifestyle/sanity anymore. Sometimes the children chose on their own to stop. While most of these kids are now sleeping independently, giving the parents (read:mother) more liberty and a better sleep schedule, this isn't always the case. Every child is different, and some may need the bedtime cuddling well past the age of 5 or 6 or even 10.
Our daughter loves breastfeeding. She talks about it all the time. If she could, she would do it all day and all night, as long as my wife is around. When my wife is absent, Hadley doesn't seem to miss breastfeeding at all. She'll sleep through the night and doesn't show any insecurity, as far as I can tell. We have tried having numerous conversations about stopping breastfeeding and she agrees to the notion but can't stop herself when the urge comes on. In addiction terms, she's in the pre-contemplative stage.
Now, it's unfair to call breastfeeding an addiction, just as it's unfair for the father (me) to try and place limits on the mother-child bond. So I find myself in a tricky position. I feel like it's nearing the time for breastfeeding to end. My reasons are these: it wrecks my wife's sleep, it saps my wife's health and it sticks a wedge between wife in daughter such that they can't be intimate without breastfeeding. But these are all my reasons about my wife. See where this is going? The issue is prickly and I don't want to come off as judgmental.
Let me be clear: I couldn't care less about social norms and what others think about Hadley breastfeeding at 3. If there no other disadvantages, I wouldn't even go on about it. But the fact it, she is making no signs of wanting to slow down. If we leave it up to her to stop breastfeeding, what if she wants to wait until she is 7? Is that attachment parenting? At what point are we allowed to impose our own agenda?
It seems to me that parents impose their own agendas on other issues ranging from food to clothes to daycare choices to not beating up the cat. So why not breastfeeding? Why is this sacred territory? Again, I am not a mother and I don't claim full knowledge of the experience. But I think mothers ought to be able to place reasonable limits on their relationship with the child, without fear of traumatizing the kid for life.
There is a lot of talk about attachment parenting with what seems to me little common ground other than nurturing the parent-child bond. Within the small community of people I know and love, many preach attachment parenting. Alicia and I are among them. But we all seem to do it differently. Sometimes it depends on what books you read, what course you've attended, who your friends are, etc. Most often, it seems, the parenting decisions you make are most influenced by the needs of your individual family.
For example, single parents may have to make some sacrifices in order to stay afloat, or the addition of a second child can change the dynamic considerably. I don't claim to be the expert on attachment theory, either.
One thing that has been eating away at me for, well, years is breastfeeding. Of course I am a loud advocate for breastfeeding, and for doing it as long as possible. But the question is, what does "as long as possible" mean? Attachment pundits argue for letting the child decide when to stop, rather than weaning being imposed upon them. And, in theory, I agree with this. But in practice I find it way more challenging. And they're not even my breasts!
Among our peers, our child has been breastfeeding the longest - at 3.5 years. I know this is no world record and some kids will go for much longer. In most cases, the moms made a decision to wean their children despite being adherents to attachment parenting. It just didn't work for their lifestyle/sanity anymore. Sometimes the children chose on their own to stop. While most of these kids are now sleeping independently, giving the parents (read:mother) more liberty and a better sleep schedule, this isn't always the case. Every child is different, and some may need the bedtime cuddling well past the age of 5 or 6 or even 10.
Our daughter loves breastfeeding. She talks about it all the time. If she could, she would do it all day and all night, as long as my wife is around. When my wife is absent, Hadley doesn't seem to miss breastfeeding at all. She'll sleep through the night and doesn't show any insecurity, as far as I can tell. We have tried having numerous conversations about stopping breastfeeding and she agrees to the notion but can't stop herself when the urge comes on. In addiction terms, she's in the pre-contemplative stage.
Now, it's unfair to call breastfeeding an addiction, just as it's unfair for the father (me) to try and place limits on the mother-child bond. So I find myself in a tricky position. I feel like it's nearing the time for breastfeeding to end. My reasons are these: it wrecks my wife's sleep, it saps my wife's health and it sticks a wedge between wife in daughter such that they can't be intimate without breastfeeding. But these are all my reasons about my wife. See where this is going? The issue is prickly and I don't want to come off as judgmental.
Let me be clear: I couldn't care less about social norms and what others think about Hadley breastfeeding at 3. If there no other disadvantages, I wouldn't even go on about it. But the fact it, she is making no signs of wanting to slow down. If we leave it up to her to stop breastfeeding, what if she wants to wait until she is 7? Is that attachment parenting? At what point are we allowed to impose our own agenda?
It seems to me that parents impose their own agendas on other issues ranging from food to clothes to daycare choices to not beating up the cat. So why not breastfeeding? Why is this sacred territory? Again, I am not a mother and I don't claim full knowledge of the experience. But I think mothers ought to be able to place reasonable limits on their relationship with the child, without fear of traumatizing the kid for life.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Rudolph trumps all
Christmas evokes such conflicting emotions, it's a wonder why we bother. I think we keep it up for the presents, even though nobody ever likes what they get.
For Hadley, Christmas was confusing for her skeptical little mind, not least because she was forced to swallow the concept that a fat guy broke into our house to eat cookies and give her presents. She did not like the idea at all but was willing to go through with it for our sake. So I've decided not to push another lie on her. She can believe what she wants.
The myth of Rudolph, on the other hand, captured her little mind like nothing else in her short life. She watched the cartoon a bunch, left him some celery on Christmas Eve, and then proceeded to eventually become Rudolph over the course of several days. Over the holidays, Hadley was given a par of cardboard antlers at the mall, which she wore constantly. She insisted we call her Rudolph from then on. Then she started acting in what she calls the Rudolph movie: walking around the house on all fours while we narrate her adventures.
But now it's the middle of January and the reindeer thing has not subsided by any means. In fact, we must call her Rudolph all the time or suffer a toddler tantrum. She has assigned all other 8 reindeer names to members of her immediately family, including the pets. I quickly nabbed Comet before she gave it to someone else.
She introduces herself to strangers as Rudolph, going out of her way to make sure they get it right. She doesn't act reindeer-y anymore; she just wants the new name, which we are happy to go along with. What's particularly awesome is that Hadley has also added some new reindeer to the repertoire, since all 8 are already used up. Sometimes people get to play these roles, but mostly I think they're just for special occasions, when a toy emerges with no name. So far the new reindeer are:
Olive (from the 'other reindeer' story)
Fabula Janjula (I was temporarily given this name but it was stripped from me shortly after)
Journey
Sheena
For Hadley, Christmas was confusing for her skeptical little mind, not least because she was forced to swallow the concept that a fat guy broke into our house to eat cookies and give her presents. She did not like the idea at all but was willing to go through with it for our sake. So I've decided not to push another lie on her. She can believe what she wants.
The myth of Rudolph, on the other hand, captured her little mind like nothing else in her short life. She watched the cartoon a bunch, left him some celery on Christmas Eve, and then proceeded to eventually become Rudolph over the course of several days. Over the holidays, Hadley was given a par of cardboard antlers at the mall, which she wore constantly. She insisted we call her Rudolph from then on. Then she started acting in what she calls the Rudolph movie: walking around the house on all fours while we narrate her adventures.
But now it's the middle of January and the reindeer thing has not subsided by any means. In fact, we must call her Rudolph all the time or suffer a toddler tantrum. She has assigned all other 8 reindeer names to members of her immediately family, including the pets. I quickly nabbed Comet before she gave it to someone else.
She introduces herself to strangers as Rudolph, going out of her way to make sure they get it right. She doesn't act reindeer-y anymore; she just wants the new name, which we are happy to go along with. What's particularly awesome is that Hadley has also added some new reindeer to the repertoire, since all 8 are already used up. Sometimes people get to play these roles, but mostly I think they're just for special occasions, when a toy emerges with no name. So far the new reindeer are:
Olive (from the 'other reindeer' story)
Fabula Janjula (I was temporarily given this name but it was stripped from me shortly after)
Journey
Sheena
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Lil' Karl and the river of lies
This may come across as provocative but that is not my intention.
I've been struggling since Hadley was born with how to present religion to her. I would, of course, like to instill in her some of the same values that we have as parents. We're spiritual but do not in any way believe any religious teachings. I feel that Hadley ought to approach everything in life with an open but critical mind, and this includes religion. But we certainly don't want to make the mistakes that many/most religious parents make, which is to force a belief system upon their child. Hadley can make up her own mind and we will cheer her on.
Here's the conundrum: we can't simply sit back while she's 3 and let her decide. First, she's way too young to make sense of religious propaganda and she's way too young to examine it with scientific rigour. Second, in North American society - as we all know - the overemphasis on Christianity shifts the balance of power of persuasion. Hadley will not stand a chance and likely faces the same existential/atheist crisis that I had at the age of 7. Icons, stories and churches abound. There is not the same amount of compelling "stuff" for non-believers, because we don't feel the need to convince ourselves or others. (This, of course, replicates the age-old right wing vs. left wing information battle).
So what do we do while she's 3 years old? Here's an example, if I'm being too rhetorical at this point. So we're walking through the mall to the grocery store and Hadley sees two huge images hanging on the wall: Santa and Jesus. They are side by side and form a part of some Christmas display. Hadley naturally asks who they are. My answer to "who is Santa?" I will deal with in my next blog post. But as for Jesus, up to now I have been referring to him as Lil' Karl. I just don't want to get into it with her before she can really understand the history of Christianity and the history of resistance to religious oppression. It's not my place to bombard her with my beliefs but nor is it responsible to give her the Christian interpretation so early on in her vulnerable life.
So I just call him Lil' Karl and she shrugs, and walks on. If I had said, "that's Jesus", the name may have stuck with her. Since 'Jesus' comes up in conversation more often than 'Lil' Karl', she is likely assimilate what she hears about Jesus more easily. She will begin to ask more questions and hear more stories about divinity and resurrection and stuff like that. Which is fine, if she's ready to process these stories as stories and not truth. I don't think she's ready. And it's very hard/painful to un-believe once you have been brainwashed.
Believe me, I WANT Hadley to ask questions and I want to tell her the truth. I feel terrible about telling her a lie by calling that long-haired white man Lil' Karl. But he's certainly not Jesus either. Jesus the Jew. Jesus the scruffy desert-dweller. Jesus who would have died at 32 anyway because that was the life expectancy 2000 years ago. No, that's not Jesus but it's some false image that gets forced onto young children everywhere. I simply cannot explain the concept of lies and propaganda to a 3-year old. So I am forced to choose a lie to tell her. Either I replicate the Jesus lie, or I invent a new one. I could say, "I don't know" but then she'll just ask someone else. So for now, that guy is Lil' Karl. It was meant as a joke but you can tell my reasons are serious indeed.
Long live Lil' Karl!
I've been struggling since Hadley was born with how to present religion to her. I would, of course, like to instill in her some of the same values that we have as parents. We're spiritual but do not in any way believe any religious teachings. I feel that Hadley ought to approach everything in life with an open but critical mind, and this includes religion. But we certainly don't want to make the mistakes that many/most religious parents make, which is to force a belief system upon their child. Hadley can make up her own mind and we will cheer her on.
Here's the conundrum: we can't simply sit back while she's 3 and let her decide. First, she's way too young to make sense of religious propaganda and she's way too young to examine it with scientific rigour. Second, in North American society - as we all know - the overemphasis on Christianity shifts the balance of power of persuasion. Hadley will not stand a chance and likely faces the same existential/atheist crisis that I had at the age of 7. Icons, stories and churches abound. There is not the same amount of compelling "stuff" for non-believers, because we don't feel the need to convince ourselves or others. (This, of course, replicates the age-old right wing vs. left wing information battle).
So what do we do while she's 3 years old? Here's an example, if I'm being too rhetorical at this point. So we're walking through the mall to the grocery store and Hadley sees two huge images hanging on the wall: Santa and Jesus. They are side by side and form a part of some Christmas display. Hadley naturally asks who they are. My answer to "who is Santa?" I will deal with in my next blog post. But as for Jesus, up to now I have been referring to him as Lil' Karl. I just don't want to get into it with her before she can really understand the history of Christianity and the history of resistance to religious oppression. It's not my place to bombard her with my beliefs but nor is it responsible to give her the Christian interpretation so early on in her vulnerable life.
So I just call him Lil' Karl and she shrugs, and walks on. If I had said, "that's Jesus", the name may have stuck with her. Since 'Jesus' comes up in conversation more often than 'Lil' Karl', she is likely assimilate what she hears about Jesus more easily. She will begin to ask more questions and hear more stories about divinity and resurrection and stuff like that. Which is fine, if she's ready to process these stories as stories and not truth. I don't think she's ready. And it's very hard/painful to un-believe once you have been brainwashed.
Believe me, I WANT Hadley to ask questions and I want to tell her the truth. I feel terrible about telling her a lie by calling that long-haired white man Lil' Karl. But he's certainly not Jesus either. Jesus the Jew. Jesus the scruffy desert-dweller. Jesus who would have died at 32 anyway because that was the life expectancy 2000 years ago. No, that's not Jesus but it's some false image that gets forced onto young children everywhere. I simply cannot explain the concept of lies and propaganda to a 3-year old. So I am forced to choose a lie to tell her. Either I replicate the Jesus lie, or I invent a new one. I could say, "I don't know" but then she'll just ask someone else. So for now, that guy is Lil' Karl. It was meant as a joke but you can tell my reasons are serious indeed.
Long live Lil' Karl!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Garden glory
Summer is when Hadley gets all her vitamins. D and E from the sun, C and B from all the fruit and vegetables.
She has always been more interested in fresh harvest than store-bought or straight-from-the-fridge produce. In this I think she is exhibiting her instinctual gatherer self, who picks what she needs and lets the rest grow. Sadly we need to pick it all or it will freeze in a couple of months.
The last two nights Hadley ate almost her entire dinner while prancing through the back garden:
purple runner beans
snap peas
blackberries
strawberries
kale
carrots
parsnip
nasturtium
This is why our garden is so haphazard and jam-packed. It's hard to specialise when there's so much variety to munch on!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Jump in the Water
I'm trying to turn Hadley into a water baby. I grew up with a fear of water, swimming, pools, and I have never really lost that. I avoid beaches whenever I can. It comes, ironically, from forced swimming lessons. So I am acutely aware that if I push it on her, Hadley could react the same way.
But so far she loves it. I mean, to a point. She's not going off diving boards or anything. But nor would i want her to right now. She just loves to splash and run and get her feet wet. Really, it's almost her favourite thing to do in the world. We're lucky to live in an oceanside town, where she can just tear up and down the beach in her birthday suit and scream at the top of her lungs.
I'm even beginning to loosen up a bit, too. This fall I plan on re-taking swimming lessons while Alicia and Hadley wade in the kids area. Maybe one day I'll actually be able to teach my daughter how to do the front crawl.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Nausea
I just got back from a 5-day trip to Toronto to attend this summit. It's been 5 or so years since I was last there, long before Alicia and Hadley. Long before I missed anyone this much.
It's the greatest length of time I've ever spent away from my own daughter.
I had thought I could do it and that I would have more than enough to occupy me while gone. Alicia finds it difficult to be away from Hadley for any period but up to now I hadn't missed her so much that my stomach hurt. This time changed everything.
I don't mean to be melodramatic.
OK, so maybe I do.
I was pretty much attacked throughout my trip with these bouts of emotional pain, the kind that reminded me of when I was 18 and couldn't bear to be away from a certain girl. What made it all the harder was that I kept being exposed to other children: at the conference, at Shalini's house, and just random kids on the subway.
Do you know this feeling? I just wanted to reach out and cuddle these random toddlers. I missed, at a deep and visceral level, the physical bond I have with my daughter. I ached. I was miserable.
It didn't help that I was reading this book on attachment parenting the whole time. In it, the authors stress the unique link between parents and children, that doesn't really exist anywhere else in life. Tell me about it, I thought.
Next time, I'm bringing the family with me.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
I'm gonna ger you, Papa!
Hadley can make me laugh like nobody else can. Real, gut-busting, teary-eyed, raw throat laughing. These are the kinds of guffaws that have come not often enough in life: with buddies in my teenage years, some childhood friends, mostly with my mom when I was a young 'un.
For a while now, we've known that Hadley is hella ticklish. Under her neck, on her legs, wherever. We can make her scream with glee and she keeps coming back for more. But it's when she turns on me that I totally lose it. Not always, mind you. But once in a while she corners me and attacks all my tickle spots at the same time. Then I erupt into squeals, which makes her want to keep doing it more and more.
Last night she figured the best way to get back at me was to lick my face until I pissed myself laughing. My neck, my forehead, none of it was off-limits. I laughed so hard my belly hurt, which got her laughing, in turn causing me to laugh more, etc.
It's in these moments I feel this real connection of visceral understanding between us. Sound corny? What I mean is that we can provoke a very deep response in the other person without using words. We know eachother's "buttons". This is a parent-child thing, I'm convinced. I remember this feeling with my parents when I was small, and Hadley will probably remember these moments later on, in vague and thick ways.
To sum up, my daughter is awesome.
For a while now, we've known that Hadley is hella ticklish. Under her neck, on her legs, wherever. We can make her scream with glee and she keeps coming back for more. But it's when she turns on me that I totally lose it. Not always, mind you. But once in a while she corners me and attacks all my tickle spots at the same time. Then I erupt into squeals, which makes her want to keep doing it more and more.
Last night she figured the best way to get back at me was to lick my face until I pissed myself laughing. My neck, my forehead, none of it was off-limits. I laughed so hard my belly hurt, which got her laughing, in turn causing me to laugh more, etc.
It's in these moments I feel this real connection of visceral understanding between us. Sound corny? What I mean is that we can provoke a very deep response in the other person without using words. We know eachother's "buttons". This is a parent-child thing, I'm convinced. I remember this feeling with my parents when I was small, and Hadley will probably remember these moments later on, in vague and thick ways.
To sum up, my daughter is awesome.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Wynken, Blynken and Nod
I just got a CD for Hadley that I had as a kid in record form.
It's called In Harmony, a Sesame Street compilation from the late 70s with James Taylor, the Doobie Brothers, Bette Midler, Dr. John and a bunch of other corny music. Thing is, I love it!
And because I've told Hadley that it's hers, she likes it too. She calls it her 'sharing music' because there's a song with Ernie & Cookie Monster about sharing. Kind of an 80s reggae thing.
Anyhow, awesome. Anyone who wants a copy just let me know and I'll burn it.
I'm trying to find the sequel - with Billy Joel and Bruce Springsteen - but it hasn't been re-released.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Inheriting a love of food
Something about having a baby has turned me into a kitchen maniac. It started when Alicia got pregnant 3 years ago and we moved in together. She was holed up in the upstairs rooms of our shared house and so I opted to cook all the food. Since then my obsession has evolved into pretty much cooking 99% percent of our meals and trying new recipes all the time and just getting really damn excited about food.
Those who knew me as an early bachelor know that this wasn't always the case. When I first lived on my own - in Hungary and then later in Sandy Hill - I had exactly 2 recipes under my belt. The first was spaghetti and the second was pizza. Both contained absurd amounts of onions and chili and not much else, aside from tomatoes. I ate out constantly but also relied on more creative roommates to provide meals.
I bring this up because I think that there are two factors driving me to want to be in the kitchen all day (this is not a joke, I can putter around the 10X10 room literally ALL day): (1) this impetus for being the 'provider' that I think infects many 2nd parents and (2) wanting to learn and explore and create. I've started trying to involve Hadley in some kitchen stuff but it's not easy at this age. She helps me make muffins by throwing the batter everywhere and she helps me take the seeds out of squash.
My mom - and dad, too - were all about the kitchen. I grew up surrounded by all sorts of interesting food and a love of cooking and baking. My mom tried to get me helping out in the kitchen as often as possible and I remember those days fondly. But what happened when I turned 18 and moved out? I guess I was lazy. Will the same thing happen to Hadley?
Over this past weekend we baked 2 loaves of bread and made chili, beet salad, coconut pumpkin curry, garden salad and mushroom soup. Not to mention 5 pots of coffee and endless cups of tea.
Those who knew me as an early bachelor know that this wasn't always the case. When I first lived on my own - in Hungary and then later in Sandy Hill - I had exactly 2 recipes under my belt. The first was spaghetti and the second was pizza. Both contained absurd amounts of onions and chili and not much else, aside from tomatoes. I ate out constantly but also relied on more creative roommates to provide meals.
I bring this up because I think that there are two factors driving me to want to be in the kitchen all day (this is not a joke, I can putter around the 10X10 room literally ALL day): (1) this impetus for being the 'provider' that I think infects many 2nd parents and (2) wanting to learn and explore and create. I've started trying to involve Hadley in some kitchen stuff but it's not easy at this age. She helps me make muffins by throwing the batter everywhere and she helps me take the seeds out of squash.
My mom - and dad, too - were all about the kitchen. I grew up surrounded by all sorts of interesting food and a love of cooking and baking. My mom tried to get me helping out in the kitchen as often as possible and I remember those days fondly. But what happened when I turned 18 and moved out? I guess I was lazy. Will the same thing happen to Hadley?
Over this past weekend we baked 2 loaves of bread and made chili, beet salad, coconut pumpkin curry, garden salad and mushroom soup. Not to mention 5 pots of coffee and endless cups of tea.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Dina Tune and more
The Little Boss is really coming into her own.
I won't deny that in my life I have been known as someone who manipulates the stereo, no matter the social circumstance. Is this an inherited trait? Hadley now rules the music of the house, in a micro-managing kind of way.
At first she would insist on the artist we listen to: Raffi ("Waffi", French Lady "Fench", African CD, Scary Robot Children, etc. So unlike the old days - by which I mean a few months ago - we can't just say, "hey Hadley, here's a Sharon Lois and Bram album: enjoy". Instead she gets to pick.
Then she started to narrow down the album. In the case of Raffi, she was really focussed on the first album, which she identified by the song near the end about working on the railroad all the livelong day. She called this one "Dina Tune" because at point Raffi cries "Dina!" and Hadley used to love that. The French Lady CDs were divided by colour of the CD itself: yellow, green and red.
But nowadays she decides on individual songs and makes us switch CDs back and forth. So She'll want the "SleepyTime" French song about animals sleeping in the jungle, then she'll want Down by the Bay by Raffi, next she'll want Elmo's Song on the Sesame Street CD, etc. And she gets really irate if we take too long or try and placate her with only one album at a time. This is unacceptable in her eyes. Of course, in today's futureland of musicmaking I could probably just burn all her favourite songs onto one CD and be done with it.
Hadley also associates different songs with different dances, so she'll opt for a 'jumping' song or 'sleepy' song, depending on her mood and dancing spirit.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Educational or just a pain in the ass?
Yesterday at work a colleague explained to us that his son, at 8 months, had finally taken the bottle. I was immediately drawn in; why is someone giving their 8-month old a bottle?, I wondered. So I asked him, realising immediately that my tone was subtley judgmental. Indeed it was and I regret it. His answer was that their son had been unwilling to drink formula but was now drinking milk, a relief to them. Aware that I was on dangerous, nosey ground, I pressed on: why were you giving him formula? Because he was slightly underweight.
Slightly underweight? I really wanted to pipe up. Breastmilk is all a baby needs! Underweight is a matter of opinion! Formula is just a sugary drink pushed on the medical system by a powerful pharmaceutical lobby! But I said none of those things and stuck to, Hadley was also underweight briefly and now look at her.
And here's where I start to doubt myself. Two days ago I posted my interest in writing a book. The response to that post (not here but on a link I uploaded to my Facebook page) was so varied and skeptical that I have to rethink my plans. Of course not everyone is interested in Attachment parenting. How to talk about my experience as a father without sounding prescriptive and condescending? Maybe I should research more books first.
No, Hadley was never given formula, though a nurse at the hospital tried to peddle it to us. It is a Health Canada policy and position that breastfeeding is THE way to feed infants, up to the age of 3 or more. Formula is not to be encouraged by any health care professional unless the child is severely undernourished. We were lucky; Hadley took to the breast pretty quickly and Alicia produced milk almost right away. Since then, to be sure, Hadley has never stopped wanting to nurse but all children choose to stop at some point. A friend, whose son is a could years older than Hadley, recently told me she was getting worried when he was nursing past his 3rd birthday. Will it ever end? Maybe he's the exception to the rule, she thought. But no, he one day stopped. Their relationship changed, of course, and this is a big part of it, too. Nursing can be exhausting, painful and inconvenient, but it a bond like no other. Mom and child are reluctant to dismiss that early on.
I couldn't just launch into this diatribe at work, though. He didn't seem interested in my opinion and advice. Yet something in me feels it's important to provide supportive education to new parents. I know I needed it and still do. I just wish I could do it without sounding like a jackass.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
a typical autumn evening
It's been so great hanging out with Hadley lately. Not that I didn't enjoy her company before but these days we really whoop it up.
Last night when I came home from work, she was in the midst of a whine-fit and was giving her Amma - Alicia's mom - a rough go of it. But as soon as I walked in she smiled and we gave each other that look which meant, 'tonight's gonna be awesome!'. Veggie burgers (her favourite, pronounced 'veggie buddha') and yummy fresh potatoes out of the garden. Rolling around on the living room floor, tickling and giggling. Trying on new outfits and then trying to dress the cat up. These are our evenings.
Then Hadley spotted Walter, our neighbour, in his front yard and desperately wanted to visit him. We put on our sweaters and ran to greet him. Uma was there, too, Walter's 6-year old daughter and Hadley's idol. And that was pretty much the evening made for us. Hadley and Uma played for another couple of hours until Hadley was too exhausted to stand.
The end.
Last night when I came home from work, she was in the midst of a whine-fit and was giving her Amma - Alicia's mom - a rough go of it. But as soon as I walked in she smiled and we gave each other that look which meant, 'tonight's gonna be awesome!'. Veggie burgers (her favourite, pronounced 'veggie buddha') and yummy fresh potatoes out of the garden. Rolling around on the living room floor, tickling and giggling. Trying on new outfits and then trying to dress the cat up. These are our evenings.
Then Hadley spotted Walter, our neighbour, in his front yard and desperately wanted to visit him. We put on our sweaters and ran to greet him. Uma was there, too, Walter's 6-year old daughter and Hadley's idol. And that was pretty much the evening made for us. Hadley and Uma played for another couple of hours until Hadley was too exhausted to stand.
The end.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Calling all dads
I've been thinking about writing a book for a few months now. The subject would, of course, be about parenting form a father's perspective. What I have to ask myself is: aren't there enough Dad books out there? Would I just be looking for a quick buck like Paul Reiser?
Thing is, as I may have written long ago, there really isn't a whole lot available for the father (or other parent) who chooses Attachment-style parenting, who considers himself a feminist and who wants to explore views alternative to the standard paradigm.
I'll give you an example. Most of my dad friends share the notion that co-sleeping is a positive way to handle bedtime in the family. We don't condone cribs but have found co-sleeping satisfactory to our beliefs in the value of the mother-child relationship.
Within the bounds of books on motherhood, the debate is vigorous and despite the prevailing attitude form the medical system that co-sleeping is dangerous, the matter is far from settled. Moms argue from the gut and I think we ought to listen. Books are published all the time that support both sides of the argument but traditional (by which I mean, 1000-yr old) methods are becoming more and more accepted as doctrine, thankfully.
Now look at the debate amongst fathers. It's not enough that fathers and mothers must hold their discussions separately - as if we are not the same family raising the same child - but fathers simply don't hold these discussions. Or rather, it sure seems that way when I do internet searches or go to the library. By contrast, in person we are very much committed to exploring parenting styles and want to join the fray. But if fathers aren't learning from books, and are perhaps cut off from their partners because of ages-old gender imbalance, who do they learn from? Peers and elders. And I have no doubt that both lean more towards 50s-style parenting, e.g. breastfeeding is not essential, co-sleeping will ruin the sex life, children must learn independence, etc.
I don't want to dismiss these views outright. Instead, I want to introduce an arena where fathers - and mothers and same-sex couples - can hash out the details and really learn about child-rearing philosophy. There are centuries of superstition and outdated models to discard and we need to start now.
So...send me your ideas, your opinions. Who wants to co-sleep in my book bed?
Sunday, August 23, 2009
A dog to the mix
We fostered a beagle yesterday.
For a month or so, we've been toying with the idea of getting a dog. Doing the rounds of the SPCA and other adoption agencies, we found that dogs are (a) expensive and (b) rarely ideal companions for a toddler. The closest we came to adopting, oddly enough, was a massive German Shepherd named Papa Buddy, who we discovered at the SPCA down the street. He is 75 lbs. overweight and 8 years old. Despite his very passive - and somewhat depressed - personality, PB presented too big a risk due to the size of his jaws. Even though he was so gentle, he could easily take Hadley's head off with one gulp. Yikes.
Alicia enthusiastically sent applications to all sorts of agencies and the one that got back to us first was a Beagle Rescue organisation. Instead of paying the adoption fee, we decided on fostering first, to see how it goes.
Her name is Chloe. She's pretty Beagle-y, but very good-natured and is calm around Hadley. Hadley, in turn, is being pretty good to Chloe. I think there's always the risk of toddlers pulling dog ears or jumping on them. Hadley's not physical in that way, though she may develop those instincts soon enough. Instead she talks to Chloe (Bow-Wow) and follows her around. Of course, Hadley's fascinated with the elements of Chloe's relationship to us that mimic her own: Bow-Wow Poop, Bow-Wow Food and Bow-Wow Cuddles. These are all words she uses. She can say 'dog' if she really wants to, but prefers her own words instead. Just like she says 'beer' instead of 'water', or makes a gutteral sound (ungh-gngh) instead of saying 'book'.
I worry that Hadley, or we, may get too attached to Chloe and then lose her in an adoption. But this seemed like the wisest way to go about introducing a dog into the family. It's too bad the cats aren't nearly as stoked about Bow-Wow.
For a month or so, we've been toying with the idea of getting a dog. Doing the rounds of the SPCA and other adoption agencies, we found that dogs are (a) expensive and (b) rarely ideal companions for a toddler. The closest we came to adopting, oddly enough, was a massive German Shepherd named Papa Buddy, who we discovered at the SPCA down the street. He is 75 lbs. overweight and 8 years old. Despite his very passive - and somewhat depressed - personality, PB presented too big a risk due to the size of his jaws. Even though he was so gentle, he could easily take Hadley's head off with one gulp. Yikes.
Alicia enthusiastically sent applications to all sorts of agencies and the one that got back to us first was a Beagle Rescue organisation. Instead of paying the adoption fee, we decided on fostering first, to see how it goes.
Her name is Chloe. She's pretty Beagle-y, but very good-natured and is calm around Hadley. Hadley, in turn, is being pretty good to Chloe. I think there's always the risk of toddlers pulling dog ears or jumping on them. Hadley's not physical in that way, though she may develop those instincts soon enough. Instead she talks to Chloe (Bow-Wow) and follows her around. Of course, Hadley's fascinated with the elements of Chloe's relationship to us that mimic her own: Bow-Wow Poop, Bow-Wow Food and Bow-Wow Cuddles. These are all words she uses. She can say 'dog' if she really wants to, but prefers her own words instead. Just like she says 'beer' instead of 'water', or makes a gutteral sound (ungh-gngh) instead of saying 'book'.
I worry that Hadley, or we, may get too attached to Chloe and then lose her in an adoption. But this seemed like the wisest way to go about introducing a dog into the family. It's too bad the cats aren't nearly as stoked about Bow-Wow.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Sugar Baby
It seems like the topic of sugar has come up a lot lately in our home. I don't think I've ever really taken the time to work through my own wishes re: Hadley and sugar, though I'm fairly certain I'd like her to avoid it.
Sugar was raised initially when Hadley and I went to a 2-year old birthday party and cake was involved. I had a piece, Hadley saw it, but she showed absolutely no interest in eating. The host, on the other had, was feeling exhausted because her [now] 2-year old had eaten a bunch and was all hyped-up. She expressed regret that her child had been exposed to sugar at so young an age - by other family members - and that she now has a taste for it.
I've never thought of sugar as something you "have a taste for", that is, you don't want it until you've had it. But I suppose there must be some truth to that idea. Hadley has had sugar in some baked goods and cookies but never asks for sweet stuff. In fact, her idea of an awesome treat is a slice of cucumber or a leaf of kale. Doesn't mean, though, that she'll never crave sugar.
Now I have to ask myself what the fear is. After all, I eat sugar from time to time. I know I want to avoid giving her mega-sweets (chocolate, candy, icing) because they can cause an upset stomach. They also rot teeth, make you fat and contribute to poor health later in life (read: cholesterol).
People talk about hyper-activity and sugar, but I'm not convinced. Not to say I don't think sugar partially plays a role but (a) kids are pretty hyper on their own and (b) sugar has never made me hyper.
Oh man, it's really raining hard outside. I'm going to close the windows and finish this later.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
The Undead
Many parents can appreciate how tiresome songs and books can become after singing and reading them for the 1000th time. Since singing has been our bedtime mainstay for the last month or two, I have completely run dry of enjoyment for Hadley's favourite songs. Indeed, she really does have only a few favourite songs and will get rather irate if we decide to introduce new ones. When I put her to bed, she pretty much fluctuates between 'The Wheels on the Bus', 'Old MacDonald [feminist version]', 'Baa Baa Black Sheep' and occasionally 'Hush Little Darling [anti-capitalist version]'.
Believe me, I've tried to add some more interesting songs, such as Cyndi Lauper and Culture Club songs but she won't have any of it.
So a few weeks ago I chose to add some new verses to 'The Wheels on the Bus'. First, it was the punks on the bus going 'Oi', then it was the sharks going 'chomp' (I owe this last idea to the local librarian). Finally, we settled on zombies going 'Rah', which easily became her favourite verse. Now there are only zombies on the bus; no wheels, no driver, no nothing.
Hadley can also now do all the zombie movements: arms out, reaching for brains; mouth open, moaning for brains; stumbling around the house. I suspect this craze will die off soon (no pun intended), and I can only hope that she opts for 'Metal Guitarist' as the next one to ride the bus.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Early thoughts
It's 5.30 on a Saturday morning.
I just brought Hadley back into the bedroom to lay with Alicia. We'll see if it works this time. She's been awake since about 1.30. There's only so long she can nurse before the milk runs out and the nipples get very sore. Alicia is also not a deep sleeper and finds it hard to go back to sleep once Hadley's woken her. In other words, she's been awake all night.
I know that sleep has been the subject of posts here before, and it seems to be the topic that has yanked me out of blog-free life again. It can be an endless conversation but right now, as the sun is coming up, I am all out of answers.
What often works is a walk around the neighbourhood in the carrier, or in the stroller. We've done both this morning, the last time stopping at the 24-hour cafe for a large dark with cream. The guy at the counter looked even more worn out than I feel. Surprisingly I actually feel pretty good. It's going to be a beautiful day.
Now Hadley is out in the living room again with me. She's watching a Sesame Street DVD. TV entertainment is always seen as a last resort in our home. She may only watch 1/2 an hour a week, and that's to calm down a mega-tantrum. I consider this a special occasion.
Wish us luck.
I just brought Hadley back into the bedroom to lay with Alicia. We'll see if it works this time. She's been awake since about 1.30. There's only so long she can nurse before the milk runs out and the nipples get very sore. Alicia is also not a deep sleeper and finds it hard to go back to sleep once Hadley's woken her. In other words, she's been awake all night.
I know that sleep has been the subject of posts here before, and it seems to be the topic that has yanked me out of blog-free life again. It can be an endless conversation but right now, as the sun is coming up, I am all out of answers.
What often works is a walk around the neighbourhood in the carrier, or in the stroller. We've done both this morning, the last time stopping at the 24-hour cafe for a large dark with cream. The guy at the counter looked even more worn out than I feel. Surprisingly I actually feel pretty good. It's going to be a beautiful day.
Now Hadley is out in the living room again with me. She's watching a Sesame Street DVD. TV entertainment is always seen as a last resort in our home. She may only watch 1/2 an hour a week, and that's to calm down a mega-tantrum. I consider this a special occasion.
Wish us luck.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Nightime
Now that I'm about to be the main evening parent for Hadley, it's good to know we've got ourselves into some sort of routine:
1. Get home, make strange, say bye to Ama Barb.
2. Read, play, read, play, read, read, read
3. I discreetly boil some rice and veggies. If she notices that I am giving more attention to carrots than I am to her, I am in big trouble. Spoils the whole night.
4. More reading
5. Mash the vegetables, add rice (and maybe beans or tofu if I'm prepared) and a dash of Bragg's.
6. Eat.
7. Read
8. Bath. Hadley now drags me to the bathroom, making the bath sound of 'psshhhhh'.
9. Overnight diaper and pyjamas.
10. Lie in bed reading and giggling until we both pass out.
1. Get home, make strange, say bye to Ama Barb.
2. Read, play, read, play, read, read, read
3. I discreetly boil some rice and veggies. If she notices that I am giving more attention to carrots than I am to her, I am in big trouble. Spoils the whole night.
4. More reading
5. Mash the vegetables, add rice (and maybe beans or tofu if I'm prepared) and a dash of Bragg's.
6. Eat.
7. Read
8. Bath. Hadley now drags me to the bathroom, making the bath sound of 'psshhhhh'.
9. Overnight diaper and pyjamas.
10. Lie in bed reading and giggling until we both pass out.
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