Inheriting a love of food

Something about having a baby has turned me into a kitchen maniac. It started when Alicia got pregnant 3 years ago and we moved in together. She was holed up in the upstairs rooms of our shared house and so I opted to cook all the food. Since then my obsession has evolved into pretty much cooking 99% percent of our meals and trying new recipes all the time and just getting really damn excited about food.
Those who knew me as an early bachelor know that this wasn't always the case. When I first lived on my own - in Hungary and then later in Sandy Hill - I had exactly 2 recipes under my belt. The first was spaghetti and the second was pizza. Both contained absurd amounts of onions and chili and not much else, aside from tomatoes. I ate out constantly but also relied on more creative roommates to provide meals.
I bring this up because I think that there are two factors driving me to want to be in the kitchen all day (this is not a joke, I can putter around the 10X10 room literally ALL day): (1) this impetus for being the 'provider' that I think infects many 2nd parents and (2) wanting to learn and explore and create. I've started trying to involve Hadley in some kitchen stuff but it's not easy at this age. She helps me make muffins by throwing the batter everywhere and she helps me take the seeds out of squash.
My mom - and dad, too - were all about the kitchen. I grew up surrounded by all sorts of interesting food and a love of cooking and baking. My mom tried to get me helping out in the kitchen as often as possible and I remember those days fondly. But what happened when I turned 18 and moved out? I guess I was lazy. Will the same thing happen to Hadley?

Over this past weekend we baked 2 loaves of bread and made chili, beet salad, coconut pumpkin curry, garden salad and mushroom soup. Not to mention 5 pots of coffee and endless cups of tea.

Dina Tune and more

The Little Boss is really coming into her own.
I won't deny that in my life I have been known as someone who manipulates the stereo, no matter the social circumstance. Is this an inherited trait? Hadley now rules the music of the house, in a micro-managing kind of way.

At first she would insist on the artist we listen to: Raffi ("Waffi", French Lady "Fench", African CD, Scary Robot Children, etc. So unlike the old days - by which I mean a few months ago - we can't just say, "hey Hadley, here's a Sharon Lois and Bram album: enjoy". Instead she gets to pick.
Then she started to narrow down the album. In the case of Raffi, she was really focussed on the first album, which she identified by the song near the end about working on the railroad all the livelong day. She called this one "Dina Tune" because at point Raffi cries "Dina!" and Hadley used to love that. The French Lady CDs were divided by colour of the CD itself: yellow, green and red.

But nowadays she decides on individual songs and makes us switch CDs back and forth. So She'll want the "SleepyTime" French song about animals sleeping in the jungle, then she'll want Down by the Bay by Raffi, next she'll want Elmo's Song on the Sesame Street CD, etc. And she gets really irate if we take too long or try and placate her with only one album at a time. This is unacceptable in her eyes. Of course, in today's futureland of musicmaking I could probably just burn all her favourite songs onto one CD and be done with it.

Hadley also associates different songs with different dances, so she'll opt for a 'jumping' song or 'sleepy' song, depending on her mood and dancing spirit.

Educational or just a pain in the ass?

Yesterday at work a colleague explained to us that his son, at 8 months, had finally taken the bottle. I was immediately drawn in; why is someone giving their 8-month old a bottle?, I wondered. So I asked him, realising immediately that my tone was subtley judgmental. Indeed it was and I regret it. His answer was that their son had been unwilling to drink formula but was now drinking milk, a relief to them. Aware that I was on dangerous, nosey ground, I pressed on: why were you giving him formula? Because he was slightly underweight.
Slightly underweight? I really wanted to pipe up. Breastmilk is all a baby needs! Underweight is a matter of opinion! Formula is just a sugary drink pushed on the medical system by a powerful pharmaceutical lobby! But I said none of those things and stuck to, Hadley was also underweight briefly and now look at her.
And here's where I start to doubt myself. Two days ago I posted my interest in writing a book. The response to that post (not here but on a link I uploaded to my Facebook page) was so varied and skeptical that I have to rethink my plans. Of course not everyone is interested in Attachment parenting. How to talk about my experience as a father without sounding prescriptive and condescending? Maybe I should research more books first.
No, Hadley was never given formula, though a nurse at the hospital tried to peddle it to us. It is a Health Canada policy and position that breastfeeding is THE way to feed infants, up to the age of 3 or more. Formula is not to be encouraged by any health care professional unless the child is severely undernourished. We were lucky; Hadley took to the breast pretty quickly and Alicia produced milk almost right away. Since then, to be sure, Hadley has never stopped wanting to nurse but all children choose to stop at some point. A friend, whose son is a could years older than Hadley, recently told me she was getting worried when he was nursing past his 3rd birthday. Will it ever end? Maybe he's the exception to the rule, she thought. But no, he one day stopped. Their relationship changed, of course, and this is a big part of it, too. Nursing can be exhausting, painful and inconvenient, but it a bond like no other. Mom and child are reluctant to dismiss that early on.
I couldn't just launch into this diatribe at work, though. He didn't seem interested in my opinion and advice. Yet something in me feels it's important to provide supportive education to new parents. I know I needed it and still do. I just wish I could do it without sounding like a jackass.

a typical autumn evening

It's been so great hanging out with Hadley lately. Not that I didn't enjoy her company before but these days we really whoop it up.
Last night when I came home from work, she was in the midst of a whine-fit and was giving her Amma - Alicia's mom - a rough go of it. But as soon as I walked in she smiled and we gave each other that look which meant, 'tonight's gonna be awesome!'. Veggie burgers (her favourite, pronounced 'veggie buddha') and yummy fresh potatoes out of the garden. Rolling around on the living room floor, tickling and giggling. Trying on new outfits and then trying to dress the cat up. These are our evenings.
Then Hadley spotted Walter, our neighbour, in his front yard and desperately wanted to visit him. We put on our sweaters and ran to greet him. Uma was there, too, Walter's 6-year old daughter and Hadley's idol. And that was pretty much the evening made for us. Hadley and Uma played for another couple of hours until Hadley was too exhausted to stand.
The end.

Calling all dads

I've been thinking about writing a book for a few months now. The subject would, of course, be about parenting form a father's perspective. What I have to ask myself is: aren't there enough Dad books out there? Would I just be looking for a quick buck like Paul Reiser?
Thing is, as I may have written long ago, there really isn't a whole lot available for the father (or other parent) who chooses Attachment-style parenting, who considers himself a feminist and who wants to explore views alternative to the standard paradigm.
I'll give you an example. Most of my dad friends share the notion that co-sleeping is a positive way to handle bedtime in the family. We don't condone cribs but have found co-sleeping satisfactory to our beliefs in the value of the mother-child relationship.
Within the bounds of books on motherhood, the debate is vigorous and despite the prevailing attitude form the medical system that co-sleeping is dangerous, the matter is far from settled. Moms argue from the gut and I think we ought to listen. Books are published all the time that support both sides of the argument but traditional (by which I mean, 1000-yr old) methods are becoming more and more accepted as doctrine, thankfully.
Now look at the debate amongst fathers. It's not enough that fathers and mothers must hold their discussions separately - as if we are not the same family raising the same child - but fathers simply don't hold these discussions. Or rather, it sure seems that way when I do internet searches or go to the library. By contrast, in person we are very much committed to exploring parenting styles and want to join the fray. But if fathers aren't learning from books, and are perhaps cut off from their partners because of ages-old gender imbalance, who do they learn from? Peers and elders. And I have no doubt that both lean more towards 50s-style parenting, e.g. breastfeeding is not essential, co-sleeping will ruin the sex life, children must learn independence, etc.
I don't want to dismiss these views outright. Instead, I want to introduce an arena where fathers - and mothers and same-sex couples - can hash out the details and really learn about child-rearing philosophy. There are centuries of superstition and outdated models to discard and we need to start now.
So...send me your ideas, your opinions. Who wants to co-sleep in my book bed?

A dog to the mix

We fostered a beagle yesterday.
For a month or so, we've been toying with the idea of getting a dog. Doing the rounds of the SPCA and other adoption agencies, we found that dogs are (a) expensive and (b) rarely ideal companions for a toddler. The closest we came to adopting, oddly enough, was a massive German Shepherd named Papa Buddy, who we discovered at the SPCA down the street. He is 75 lbs. overweight and 8 years old. Despite his very passive - and somewhat depressed - personality, PB presented too big a risk due to the size of his jaws. Even though he was so gentle, he could easily take Hadley's head off with one gulp. Yikes.
Alicia enthusiastically sent applications to all sorts of agencies and the one that got back to us first was a Beagle Rescue organisation. Instead of paying the adoption fee, we decided on fostering first, to see how it goes.

Her name is Chloe. She's pretty Beagle-y, but very good-natured and is calm around Hadley. Hadley, in turn, is being pretty good to Chloe. I think there's always the risk of toddlers pulling dog ears or jumping on them. Hadley's not physical in that way, though she may develop those instincts soon enough. Instead she talks to Chloe (Bow-Wow) and follows her around. Of course, Hadley's fascinated with the elements of Chloe's relationship to us that mimic her own: Bow-Wow Poop, Bow-Wow Food and Bow-Wow Cuddles. These are all words she uses. She can say 'dog' if she really wants to, but prefers her own words instead. Just like she says 'beer' instead of 'water', or makes a gutteral sound (ungh-gngh) instead of saying 'book'.

I worry that Hadley, or we, may get too attached to Chloe and then lose her in an adoption. But this seemed like the wisest way to go about introducing a dog into the family. It's too bad the cats aren't nearly as stoked about Bow-Wow.

Sugar Baby

It seems like the topic of sugar has come up a lot lately in our home. I don't think I've ever really taken the time to work through my own wishes re: Hadley and sugar, though I'm fairly certain I'd like her to avoid it.
Sugar was raised initially when Hadley and I went to a 2-year old birthday party and cake was involved. I had a piece, Hadley saw it, but she showed absolutely no interest in eating. The host, on the other had, was feeling exhausted because her [now] 2-year old had eaten a bunch and was all hyped-up. She expressed regret that her child had been exposed to sugar at so young an age - by other family members - and that she now has a taste for it.
I've never thought of sugar as something you "have a taste for", that is, you don't want it until you've had it. But I suppose there must be some truth to that idea. Hadley has had sugar in some baked goods and cookies but never asks for sweet stuff. In fact, her idea of an awesome treat is a slice of cucumber or a leaf of kale. Doesn't mean, though, that she'll never crave sugar.
Now I have to ask myself what the fear is. After all, I eat sugar from time to time. I know I want to avoid giving her mega-sweets (chocolate, candy, icing) because they can cause an upset stomach. They also rot teeth, make you fat and contribute to poor health later in life (read: cholesterol).
People talk about hyper-activity and sugar, but I'm not convinced. Not to say I don't think sugar partially plays a role but (a) kids are pretty hyper on their own and (b) sugar has never made me hyper.
Oh man, it's really raining hard outside. I'm going to close the windows and finish this later.

The Undead

Many parents can appreciate how tiresome songs and books can become after singing and reading them for the 1000th time. Since singing has been our bedtime mainstay for the last month or two, I have completely run dry of enjoyment for Hadley's favourite songs. Indeed, she really does have only a few favourite songs and will get rather irate if we decide to introduce new ones. When I put her to bed, she pretty much fluctuates between 'The Wheels on the Bus', 'Old MacDonald [feminist version]', 'Baa Baa Black Sheep' and occasionally 'Hush Little Darling [anti-capitalist version]'.
Believe me, I've tried to add some more interesting songs, such as Cyndi Lauper and Culture Club songs but she won't have any of it.

So a few weeks ago I chose to add some new verses to 'The Wheels on the Bus'. First, it was the punks on the bus going 'Oi', then it was the sharks going 'chomp' (I owe this last idea to the local librarian). Finally, we settled on zombies going 'Rah', which easily became her favourite verse. Now there are only zombies on the bus; no wheels, no driver, no nothing.

Hadley can also now do all the zombie movements: arms out, reaching for brains; mouth open, moaning for brains; stumbling around the house. I suspect this craze will die off soon (no pun intended), and I can only hope that she opts for 'Metal Guitarist' as the next one to ride the bus.

Early thoughts

It's 5.30 on a Saturday morning.
I just brought Hadley back into the bedroom to lay with Alicia. We'll see if it works this time. She's been awake since about 1.30. There's only so long she can nurse before the milk runs out and the nipples get very sore. Alicia is also not a deep sleeper and finds it hard to go back to sleep once Hadley's woken her. In other words, she's been awake all night.
I know that sleep has been the subject of posts here before, and it seems to be the topic that has yanked me out of blog-free life again. It can be an endless conversation but right now, as the sun is coming up, I am all out of answers.
What often works is a walk around the neighbourhood in the carrier, or in the stroller. We've done both this morning, the last time stopping at the 24-hour cafe for a large dark with cream. The guy at the counter looked even more worn out than I feel. Surprisingly I actually feel pretty good. It's going to be a beautiful day.

Now Hadley is out in the living room again with me. She's watching a Sesame Street DVD. TV entertainment is always seen as a last resort in our home. She may only watch 1/2 an hour a week, and that's to calm down a mega-tantrum. I consider this a special occasion.

Wish us luck.

Nightime

Now that I'm about to be the main evening parent for Hadley, it's good to know we've got ourselves into some sort of routine:
1. Get home, make strange, say bye to Ama Barb.
2. Read, play, read, play, read, read, read
3. I discreetly boil some rice and veggies. If she notices that I am giving more attention to carrots than I am to her, I am in big trouble. Spoils the whole night.
4. More reading
5. Mash the vegetables, add rice (and maybe beans or tofu if I'm prepared) and a dash of Bragg's.
6. Eat.
7. Read
8. Bath. Hadley now drags me to the bathroom, making the bath sound of 'psshhhhh'.
9. Overnight diaper and pyjamas.
10. Lie in bed reading and giggling until we both pass out.

Things I didn't know about parenting before it happened to me: #2

#2: Changing diapers is the least of your worries

You hear a lot of stories - many from dads - about diapers. Or maybe you just hear them in movies and on TV. Or maybe you don't hear them at all. But I had the diaper worry and it's come up again recently from a few parents I know who are expecting. Something like, "Sure cloth sounds good but there's no way I'm getting my hands covered in s*** for 3 or 4 years!"
Oh man, if only that were the hardest part! I got over that within weeks of her being born. I can now pick up a turd with my bare hands, toss it in the toilet and I won't even dry heave.
Yeah, Hadley uses mostly cloth diapers but you'll have to deal with poop no matter what you choose. We pick cloth because it's not only affordable and sustainable, but they're so cute! And they give her a big butt! What more could a dad want for his baby?

No, I think the hard stuff is the long-term series of philosophical debates between the parents and between parent and child. Stuff like, where to live? should I send my child to public school? are her friends a bad influence? is she too physical? too intellectual? too anything? I have faith in Hadley to do whatever she wants but these worries pop up regardless, I'm sure.

So don't fret the poop! Or anything else, I suppose.

Is my child a genius?

Over the last couple of months, CBC's Ideas has produced a series of shows about the brains of infants, and how best to educate your child. The major themes that come up include: people learn the most up to the age of 5 or 6, what kinds of learning are the most fruitful, whether cultivating a genius is even possible (or important), and how overall health of the parents affect the child.

Some of these topics resonate with me, of course, given that my daughter is a year old. For example, the discussion of whether educational videos (such as those made by Baby Einstein) hep or hinder brain development is fascinating to me. We don't have a TV but we do have a mini-DVD player on which we play some DVDs for Hadley. I can't comment on how it's affecting her brain directly but I have noticed tat she gets "hooked" and the more she watches, the less she is willing to engage in any other activity that previously she enjoyed. So we cut her off a while ago. And she doesn't miss it.

There;s also the major theme of parents wanting their children to grow up to be geniuses. This does not interest me in the slightest. Sure, I love seeing Hadley reach little milestones, like being able to say words and recognise images, but I don't want to judge her against other children. Maybe it's because I was labeled a genius as a child, or maybe it's because I just want Hadley to be herself.

Today someone said that Hadley was advanced and I felt my throat constrict. I hadn't realised but it's as if I have an aversion to her being a high-acheiver or a prodigy. This will require some more introspection.

Admired by Colleagues

Last night was the annual Dine out for Life, an excuse to eat out and have the participating restaurant donate a portion of its revenues to HIV/AIDS research and care. Of course, my team at work went. They've been immersed in this for about 15 years and are hip to all these events and never fail to follow through.
We went to Cascade (Main/10) and there were about 25 of us. I brought Hadley and Alicia stayed home to relax. It's not often Hadley gets to go to a pub but she was in top form. Lots of cuddles and coos from everyone. And she was pretty patient with the food, too, which didn't come until nearly an hour after we got there.
Yummy polenta fries were her favourite, I think, but she also enjoyed maple-glazed beets.

People always comment on how 'good' or 'even-tempered' Hadley is. I wonder if those are such admirable traits? Not to say that I don't think Hadley is the awesomest, but I'm curious why people seek out and compliment mild manners in a child. Yes, it makes life easier for the parents, but I don't believe that's what raising a kid is all about. I confess I get a little thrill every time Hadley is a brat and throws a tantrum or punches someone.

Things I didn't know about parenting before it happened to me: #1

Things I didn't know about parenting before it happened to me:

#1 The isolation is sometimes unbearable

People often say that when your child is born, your friends show their true colours. I wouldn't put it so harshly, lest I judge myself prior to becoming a parent as well. I mean, you simply don't get it unless you have a baby of your own. That's just the way it goes.
But yeah, it gets lonely. I am extremely lucky to have such a wonderful partner and the bond we've forged since Hadley was born is incredible and irreplaceable. We shouldn't rely on just each other, though, and we try to develop relationships outside the family circle.

- Going out is challenging. It's always nice to have guests. Especially those (you know who you are) who bring food and clean the house for us!

- I know some parents are spontaneous but man, it's not easy. I have come to appreciate the long-term plans with exact times. Totally different than the way I used to be, I'll grant you that.

- Another adage that is oft repeated is that parents tend to hang out with other parents. I think I agree, and it's practical form the point of view of the kids. Hadley prefers the company of those her age. But what if none of your close friends have kids? I don't want to lose them.

- The onus is ultimately upon me (us). Over the winter I've made some huge leaps in terms of what I do with Hadley on the weekends and how to make our time fun and busy and social. It requires considerable mental energy to push myself to just get out and call people and go to places she's never been and introduce her to new people. But it's so so so worth it.

Toddlers, or How I learned to stop worrying and love the Mess

I'll admit, it's taken me longer than it should have. I mean, I've known for months now that it's simply impossible to keep your house clean when you have a young child. But still I kept up the fight, the stubbornness and the frustration. I'd like to think I've grown as a person now. I am one with the dirt.

The first thing to go was the chores that we never really did that often anyway, like vacuuming the carpet or cleaning behind the toilet. Now those things may get done once a month, if at all.

The second thing to go was keeping things put away. I mean, what's the point of always putting books back on shelves if she's going to just yank them out within the hour anyway? Might as well leave all your belongings - clothes included - on the floor.

The third thing to go was the daily chores. This was probably the hardest thing for me to get over. Doing the dishes, sweeping the kitchen floor, laundry, etc. These are all things I obsess over, or at least I used to. But right now I can see a pile of lentils on the kitchen floor, an egg stain on the stovetop and some dirty socks on the floor. And instead of cleaning, I'm blogging! See how far I've come?

Finally, we've lost all sense of personal hygiene. Not only do we not shower every day, or remember to apply deodorant, but I think Hadley has some banana on her cheek from last Tuesday. Oh well.

Is this zen? I know I feel calmer and more well-adjusted. Letting go has freed up more time to go outside and play in the park or just run around the house in diapers (Hadley, not me), knocking things over. Inner peace.

Sidewalk Navigation

We've started taking Hadley for walks outside. I hadn't realised that walking on the sidewalk is so different from walking in the kitchen. We'd just been putting it off because there was snow everywhere.
The first couple of times were to the park and back - 2 blocks away. Hadley was pretty upset and being put on the ground rather than carried, and she refused to move for the longest time. I was worried that she would not be able to swing those legs with all the layers she has on, but no, she can motor when she wants to. Thing is, all she wants to do is stop and smell the flowers, if you will. Which is pretty great. Instead of taking 5 minutes to get to the park, we take 45 minutes because Hadley wants to examine every small detail on the sidewalk and in people's yards and try to run across the street.
Surprisingly, she doesn't fall much. And when she does, it's just right back up again. I read recently that children at this age have way more endorphins at their disposal to dull the pain from bonking into everything.
The other night we went to Baby Disco (a local restaurant hosts this once a month for toddlers and parents) and Hadley and I decided to walk home - about 6 blocks. It was super foggy and you couldn't even see more than 20 feet away. Hadley was doing pretty well and actually leading the way until out of the gloom lurked a back-hoe, parked at the side of the road. She just froze and pointed, yelling "Ba! Ba! Ba!" I tried to reassure her that the big yellow monster was sleeping and if we just sneak by quietly, it wouldn't wake up. That took some convicing and even after we were long past it, she kept looking over her shoulder to make sure it wasn't stalking us.
That back-hoe may be the source of her first baby nightmares.

Food #1

She's been eating solids since the summer - about 5 or 6 months. Initially, of course, it was all mush and small bits of soft food. But once Hadley hit the stage where she could chew and digest larger and crunchier chunks, she also hit the stage of being picky.

Meals now look kinda like this:
1. Hadley shows us the sign for "more" in sign language (we've begun to realise that "more" signifies way more than food to her - sometimes it just means "I'm bored")
2. We'll place her in the high chair and offer something like a banana. After a bite, she'll push it away, toss it on the floor, make a face, etc.
3. Then we offer something else like a cracker, to the same effect.
4. She starts squirming and wants out of the high chair, only to make the "more" sign 10 minutes later.

I'm told this is pretty normal.
Luckily, we've stumbled upon a couple things that she'll almost never say no to:
- noodles with sesame oil and/or Bragg's
- spaghetti and cheese in carrot & tomato sauce

Just the other day we found out she likes bean sprouts, too.
If you have any baby food favourites, let me know

how babies dance

Hadley's like the hockey players in Strange Brew. When she hears certain music, she loses control and her body automatically rocks out.

Neurotic Dad confesses all

Last night Alicia and I were talking about our respective idiosyncrasies and one of mine that emerged, no surprise lately, is my obsession with cleaning. Cleaning the kitchen, in particular. I could easily wipe those counters 10 times a day. Why? I don't know, other than I am seeking some kind of sublime ultra-clean feeling that will never come.
This is a rather new obsession of mine, dated to when I knew we were going to have a baby. Suddenly I was overcome with the notion that I'd never have enough time and that things would never be the same again. And they haven't, of course, and nor do I ever "have enough time" But, as Alicia points out, who cares? Our time ought to be spent loving our daughter, not polishing the faucet.

I've lived with 3 single moms in my time, all as roommates. In all cases, I could never shake this nagging sense that they were mismanaging their time, which was why they seemed so tired and unproductive all the time. In short, I was judgmental. (I am exposing a huge weakness of mine, here, folks. Please be forgiving). Now I know, from the other side - the parent side - how uttering wrong and insensitive I was being.
In my initial post, I spoke to the wonderful feeling of having just an hour or two after Hadley goes to sleep, so that I can do whatever I like. Dadtime. Well, life in general is pretty much now divided between Hadley time and Dadtime. So when you're offered those few precious minutes or hours or whatever, the LAST thing you want to do is clean the damn kitchen, even if there is a week's worth of grime coating everything.

So I how do I balance my obsession with my need to relax? We have hired cleaners! And, as I did with my friend Dylan the other day, I beg people to come and clean the kitchen for me.

To each their own

Back from a short hiatus: we spent a week and a bit with my folks in Ontario. This was the first time my daughter has been to the town where I was born. Before going, I'd been getting pangs of something akin to guilt and nostalgia. It became more and more important to me that she experience Ottawa the way I did.
Of course, it never works out that way. I mean, not only is she too young to go tobogganing, for example, but there's no way she'll feel the same way about Ottawa the way I do. In fact, she won't feel the same way about anything, and for that I ought to be grateful. Is this news for other dads? Sometimes I need a wake-up call to remind me that it's not up to me or us to indoctrinate our kid with what we know, believe , etc. Indeed, the opposite is true. I must learn from her, and offer as much freedom as possible so that she may grow up with a mind of her own.
Anyway, the weather sucked. I'm not used to blizzards and freezing temperatures anymore.