Breastfeeding: a father's perspective

In response to http://www.phdinparenting.com/2010/03/01/a-different-kind-of-baby-led-weaning/

There is a lot of talk about attachment parenting with what seems to me little common ground other than nurturing the parent-child bond. Within the small community of people I know and love, many preach attachment parenting. Alicia and I are among them. But we all seem to do it differently. Sometimes it depends on what books you read, what course you've attended, who your friends are, etc. Most often, it seems, the parenting decisions you make are most influenced by the needs of your individual family.

For example, single parents may have to make some sacrifices in order to stay afloat, or the addition of a second child can change the dynamic considerably. I don't claim to be the expert on attachment theory, either.

One thing that has been eating away at me for, well, years is breastfeeding. Of course I am a loud advocate for breastfeeding, and for doing it as long as possible. But the question is, what does "as long as possible" mean? Attachment pundits argue for letting the child decide when to stop, rather than weaning being imposed upon them. And, in theory, I agree with this. But in practice I find it way more challenging. And they're not even my breasts!

Among our peers, our child has been breastfeeding the longest - at 3.5 years. I know this is no world record and some kids will go for much longer. In most cases, the moms made a decision to wean their children despite being adherents to attachment parenting. It just didn't work for their lifestyle/sanity anymore. Sometimes the children chose on their own to stop. While most of these kids are now sleeping independently, giving the parents (read:mother) more liberty and a better sleep schedule, this isn't always the case. Every child is different, and some may need the bedtime cuddling well past the age of 5 or 6 or even 10.

Our daughter loves breastfeeding. She talks about it all the time. If she could, she would do it all day and all night, as long as my wife is around. When my wife is absent, Hadley doesn't seem to miss breastfeeding at all. She'll sleep through the night and doesn't show any insecurity, as far as I can tell. We have tried having numerous conversations about stopping breastfeeding and she agrees to the notion but can't stop herself when the urge comes on. In addiction terms, she's in the pre-contemplative stage.

Now, it's unfair to call breastfeeding an addiction, just as it's unfair for the father (me) to try and place limits on the mother-child bond. So I find myself in a tricky position. I feel like it's nearing the time for breastfeeding to end. My reasons are these: it wrecks my wife's sleep, it saps my wife's health and it sticks a wedge between wife in daughter such that they can't be intimate without breastfeeding. But these are all my reasons about my wife. See where this is going? The issue is prickly and I don't want to come off as judgmental.

Let me be clear: I couldn't care less about social norms and what others think about Hadley breastfeeding at 3. If there no other disadvantages, I wouldn't even go on about it. But the fact it, she is making no signs of wanting to slow down. If we leave it up to her to stop breastfeeding, what if she wants to wait until she is 7? Is that attachment parenting? At what point are we allowed to impose our own agenda?

It seems to me that parents impose their own agendas on other issues ranging from food to clothes to daycare choices to not beating up the cat. So why not breastfeeding? Why is this sacred territory? Again, I am not a mother and I don't claim full knowledge of the experience. But I think mothers ought to be able to place reasonable limits on their relationship with the child, without fear of traumatizing the kid for life.

Rudolph trumps all

Christmas evokes such conflicting emotions, it's a wonder why we bother. I think we keep it up for the presents, even though nobody ever likes what they get.
For Hadley, Christmas was confusing for her skeptical little mind, not least because she was forced to swallow the concept that a fat guy broke into our house to eat cookies and give her presents. She did not like the idea at all but was willing to go through with it for our sake. So I've decided not to push another lie on her. She can believe what she wants.

The myth of Rudolph, on the other hand, captured her little mind like nothing else in her short life. She watched the cartoon a bunch, left him some celery on Christmas Eve, and then proceeded to eventually become Rudolph over the course of several days. Over the holidays, Hadley was given a par of cardboard antlers at the mall, which she wore constantly. She insisted we call her Rudolph from then on. Then she started acting in what she calls the Rudolph movie: walking around the house on all fours while we narrate her adventures.

But now it's the middle of January and the reindeer thing has not subsided by any means. In fact, we must call her Rudolph all the time or suffer a toddler tantrum. She has assigned all other 8 reindeer names to members of her immediately family, including the pets. I quickly nabbed Comet before she gave it to someone else.

She introduces herself to strangers as Rudolph, going out of her way to make sure they get it right. She doesn't act reindeer-y anymore; she just wants the new name, which we are happy to go along with. What's particularly awesome is that Hadley has also added some new reindeer to the repertoire, since all 8 are already used up. Sometimes people get to play these roles, but mostly I think they're just for special occasions, when a toy emerges with no name. So far the new reindeer are:
Olive (from the 'other reindeer' story)
Fabula Janjula (I was temporarily given this name but it was stripped from me shortly after)
Journey
Sheena