untitled #1

Toothpick races in the rain. Best way to spend an afternoon.

Nausea

I just got back from a 5-day trip to Toronto to attend this summit. It's been 5 or so years since I was last there, long before Alicia and Hadley. Long before I missed anyone this much.
It's the greatest length of time I've ever spent away from my own daughter.
I had thought I could do it and that I would have more than enough to occupy me while gone. Alicia finds it difficult to be away from Hadley for any period but up to now I hadn't missed her so much that my stomach hurt. This time changed everything.
I don't mean to be melodramatic.
OK, so maybe I do.
I was pretty much attacked throughout my trip with these bouts of emotional pain, the kind that reminded me of when I was 18 and couldn't bear to be away from a certain girl. What made it all the harder was that I kept being exposed to other children: at the conference, at Shalini's house, and just random kids on the subway.
Do you know this feeling? I just wanted to reach out and cuddle these random toddlers. I missed, at a deep and visceral level, the physical bond I have with my daughter. I ached. I was miserable.
It didn't help that I was reading this book on attachment parenting the whole time. In it, the authors stress the unique link between parents and children, that doesn't really exist anywhere else in life. Tell me about it, I thought.
Next time, I'm bringing the family with me.